Geeks, Girls, and Secret Identities Read online

  Contents

  Title Page

  Dedication

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  Copyright

  There are four Captain Stupendous fan clubs in Copperplate City, but ours is the only one that doesn’t suck. There’s the Official Captain Stupendous Fan Club (they hold a trademark on the name, including “Official”), the Friends of Stupendous (a group of rich old ladies, if you can believe it), the Stupendites (a bunch of girls who probably spend all their time trying on each other’s clothes), and us. We’re the Captain Stupendous Fan Club, period. We’re the real deal, even if we are the smallest fan club in the city. Maybe in the country. Possibly on the entire planet.

  So when a giant robot came to town and picked a fight right outside Spud’s Pizza, you can guess how psyched I was. Everyone who’s ever lived in Copperplate City has seen at least one Stupendous battle in person, but it never gets old. And Spud’s is in my neighborhood!

  I was there with my best friends, George and Max, the other two-thirds of the fan club. Sadly, so were all forty billion members of the Official Captain Stupendous Fan Club, hogging the middle of the restaurant with their oh-we’re-so-great-and-you’re-not attitude. That’s the problem with hanging out at Spud’s on Saturday—everyone else is there too. George, Max, and I were at our usual table next to the recycling bins. George was across from me, and Max and I were facing the front door.

  Max socked me on the arm and pointed over George’s shoulder. “Hey, Vincent, isn’t that your girlfriend?”

  I looked up, then jerked my eyes down to the table.

  Polly Winnicott-Lee from school! Holy banana! She was with some friend who jabbered away like a human machine gun. Oh dude, they were sitting down right behind George!

  “She’s not my girlfriend,” I said.

  “You are SO in love with her, dude,” Max said. “You should just accept it.”

  George turned around, and I threw a crumpled napkin at him.

  “Don’t look!” I said.

  “You looooooooove her,” George said in a really high voice.

  “Shut up,” I said. I grabbed a slice and took a huge chomp out of it. A little bit of sauce oozed from the corner of my mouth.

  “Eating like you were raised by a family of gorillas isn’t gonna impress her, you know,” Max said.

  I opened my pizza-filled mouth and showed it to Max.

  “She just saw you do that,” he said, cackling.

  I swallowed. “You think so?” I took a quick peek, but Polly wasn’t looking at all. I licked my thumb and pretended to stab it into Max’s pizza.

  “You think she’s a Captain Stupendous fan?” Max asked. He shook a bunch of red pepper onto a slice of pepperoni.

  “NO,” George said. “She’s a GIRL.”

  “Oh little dude, you have so much to learn.” Max shook his head slowly. “Girls are not the enemy.”

  “The Stupendites are girls,” I said.

  “The Stupendites are like those dinosaurs with the long necks, they have brains the size of walnuts,” George said. “And, Max, you know I’m taller than you, right?” He shook some salt onto a pizza crust and stuffed the whole thing in his mouth.

  “Take Stacy Park, for example,” Max said.

  “Yeah, yeah, Stacy Park, whatever,” George said.

  “Stacy Park’s in high school, dude.” Max put a hand on George’s shoulder. “And you saw her in that bikini at McQueen Beach, just like I did.”

  “When did you guys go to the beach?” I said. “And where was I?”

  “I don’t know, maybe you were hanging out with your girlfriend.” Max grinned, which made big creases on either side of his mouth, then stuck out his tongue. The stuck-out tongue combined with the bristliness of his brown hair made him look like a round-headed German Shepherd.

  Every cell phone in the place started ringing at once, which could only mean one thing. I dug my phone out of my pocket, and sure enough, a text from the Copperplate City alert system.

  “Stupendous Alert!” I yelled. Okay, a bunch of other kids yelled it too, but I yelled it first, even if nobody heard me.

  “That’s right around the corner!” George said.

  There was a crackly sound from the ceiling, then a voice.

  “Attention, Spud’s customers, we are on Stupendous Alert. Please stay in your seats. DON’T GO OUTSIDE. Again, we are on Stupendous Alert. DO NOT GO OUTSIDE.”

  “Let’s go outside!” one of the Official Fan Club guys shouted.

  Two seconds later a huge BOOM shook the building. Dishes rattled, pizza crust hit the floor, and the littler kids in the room started crying.

  One of the “Officials” stood on a table and waved his fist at the ceiling. It was Scott Fanelli, who went to our school and was the thorn in the side of my life. “Go get ’em, Captain!” he yelled. His obnoxious buddies cheered, and I saw Polly look over and roll her eyes.

  BOOM! POW! CRASH!

  “Look!” George shouted, pointing at the windows on the other side of the pizza parlor. A metal foot the size of a fire truck crashed down outside, completely blocking our view of the Chinese restaurant across the street.

  “We’re going outside!” It was Scott, being a big show-off. The Officials cheered again and stampeded for the door. The intercom voice kept saying, “DO NOT GO OUTSIDE…. SERIOUSLY, DON’T GO….”

  “Hey, guys,” I said. “You know, I think we should …”

  “Come ON!” Max said.

  There were so many people by the front door that we couldn’t even see it, but Max lowered his shoulder and slammed into the crowd like he was scoring a touchdown. George looked at me, cackled, and dove into the crowd after Max.

  I shook my head. “… maybe go outside. Sure, Vincent, great idea …”

  I followed George, just barely making it into the gap Max had opened up in the crowd. After a lot of elbows and stepped-on feet we made it outside.

  Spud’s is on a busy corner, and the intersection was clogged with cars that people had just left in the middle of the street. That’s usually a good idea during a battle with a giant villain—nobody wants to get stomped into a human waffle. The grown-ups were crammed into doorways and alleys, but the kids were all over the place, staring up at the sky. The Officials chanted, “STU-PEN-DOUS, STU-PEN-DOUS,” pumping their fists on each syllable.

  Captain Stupendous in action! There he was, floating over the Chinese restaurant and next to the SuperSuites Hotel, which is thirty floors high. Stupendous was probably twenty floors up. His cape flapped out behind him, and the sun twinkled off the logo on his chest. Half a block away the robot also hovered in midair, although its feet were closer to the ground. It must have been forty or fifty feet tall, with lots of gray metal bolts coming out of the joints, and big clomping feet. It wasn’t smooth and rounded with funky spikes, like the robots in Japanese anime. It looked like something from an old movie.

  “Dude, that is such a cool robot,”
George said as he cracked his knuckles. George has these huge knobby knuckles, which make his arms look even skinnier than they are. “It’s old-school.”

  Stupendous laughed. It was amazing how clearly we heard it. It even made the Officials stop their idiotic chant.

  “COME ON, YOU OVERGROWN TIN TOY!” Stupendous shouted. “WHOEVER YOU ARE, YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT!”

  Max, George, and I looked at each other.

  “Are we talking about a brand-new villain?” I said. “Do you think—”

  “SOON EVERYONE WILL KNOW WHO I AM, CAPTAIN STUPENDOUS!” This time it was the robot talking, and an “Oooooohhhh” went up from the crowd. I swear, people just love clichéd villain talk.

  “A NEW VILLAIN!” It was Scott again—this time he was standing on a car.

  “YOU FACE PROFESSOR MAYHEM, DOLT!” the robot said.

  “Aw, geez, Professor Mayhem, that name sucks,” George said.

  “Like you’d come up with a better name,” Max said, punching George on the shoulder without looking.

  “I HOPED FOR AT LEAST A MODICUM OF ENTERTAINMENT DURING MY FIRST ENCOUNTER WITH YOU, STUPENDOUS! YOU DISAPPOINT ME!”

  “WELL, LET’S SEE IF I CAN MAKE THINGS A LITTLE MORE ENTERTAINING!” Stupendous shouted, then, WAZOWIE, he flew at the robot like a lightning bolt. All the kids raced out of the street. When the real fighting starts it’s good to find cover; sometimes stuff comes crashing out of the sky. We ended up crammed into the doorway of an antiques shop with a bunch of other people, including Polly Winnicott-Lee and her friend.

  The robot flexed its arms, brought its feet together, and flew straight up. Stupendous didn’t change direction at all—he hit the robot’s feet, grabbed one with both arms, and flew up and behind the robot, flipping it upside down.

  The robot doubled over at the waist and grabbed Stupendous by the legs, which was impressive when you consider how big it was. The thing with any big enemy—whether it’s a robot, monster, alien, or genetically altered human—is lack of speed. They’re slow, and with his superspeed the Captain usually takes care of business in a hurry. This robot was faster than your typical fifty-foot-tall bad guy.

  No biggie, though—Stupendous kicked out hard and knocked the robotic hands off his legs. He accelerated, snapping the robot back out to its full length, then he whipped the whole robot in a big arc and threw it straight up in the air. The robot went into some kind of crazy gymnastic flip, but Stupendous closed the gap between them in an eyeblink and landed a punch right in the middle of the robot’s back. The robot’s head snapped back and its arms and legs flailed around as it flew even higher into the air.

  Everyone on the street burst into cheers. The robot recovered and spun around in midair, but by then Stupendous had already zoomed past it and way up into the atmosphere.

  “Meteor Strike!” I yelled.

  “METEOR STRIKE!” Scott yelled, just a microsecond after I did.

  CLANGGGG! We couldn’t see it from underneath, but Stupendous must have come out of the sky like a meteor and slammed into the robot. Its limbs flew straight out from its body as it hurtled down toward the street. Everybody screamed as the robot came crashing down, but Stupendous caught it by one arm, forty or fifty feet up, preventing it from demolishing the street. The robot jerked crazily, kicking its legs.

  “A TEN-YEAR-OLD GIRL COULD TAKE YOU DOWN, PROFESSOR MAYPOLE!” Stupendous said.

  “THAT’S ‘MAYHEM’! ‘MAYHEM’!”

  “SO SORRY, I MEANT TO SAY ‘MAYFLY’!”

  “AAAARRRGH!” The robot pulled its arm down hard, snapping Stupendous like a whip, and its whole torso suddenly spun like a top, turning its arms into a kind of giant, killer helicopter propeller.

  WHAMMO! Stupendous got clobbered, and the impact sent him flying back down into the street. He crashed into an abandoned mail truck, which imploded and spit boxes and envelopes all over the cars behind it. One of the truck’s doors popped off and came flying in our direction, which made everyone around me (including me) scream like lunatics. Some people ducked or raised their arms, but I just stood there and watched the door of death come at me like a rocket.

  At the last possible nanosecond, two sets of fingers appeared at the top and bottom of the door, stopping it in its tracks. The whole bunch of us said, “Aaaahhhhh …” all at once as Stupendous flipped the door over his shoulder.

  “Everyone all ri—” He stopped in midsentence and stared at somebody for a second. I craned my neck to look in the same direction—it looked like he was staring at Polly! What was that all about?

  The robot landed hard, stomping one foot right down on top of Stupendous, maybe two feet in front of us. It felt like the whole street and everything on it bounced into the air—screaming kids, screaming parents, cars, everything. I fell backward, but the person behind me fell forward, so I somehow ended up standing on my feet. Over to the left I saw someone topple forward and land on the robot’s foot. It was Polly.

  The robot looked down at its foot and launched back into the air, with Polly still hanging on. I heard her screaming as she left the ground.

  Stupendous came right up out of the broken concrete and grabbed for the robot’s foot, but he missed his grip.

  “…”

  Oh man, I really tried to say something. I TRIED. But nothing came out.

  “THERE’S A GIRL UP THERE!” Scott just wouldn’t shut up! He had his chest stuck out like it was him fighting the new villain. Doofus. “ON THE ROBOT’S FOOT! SAVE HER!”

  Stupendous’s eyes (which you can actually see since he’s one of the few heroes who doesn’t wear a mask) opened up really wide. He went straight up at the robot’s foot, but the robot must have seen him, because it spun completely around, taking out a chunk of the SuperSuites Hotel with one fist. It brought its foot up fast and tipped Polly into its hand—they were already so high up in the air that she was a little hard to see.

  Stupendous juked to the right, then to the left, like he was trying to fake the robot out. The robot (dude, it was so fast) didn’t go for it, though; it just hung there with Polly cradled in one hand.

  “LET HER GO, PROFESSOR!” Stupendous shouted, and the laughing tone was completely gone—he was all business now. “LET HER GO BEFORE YOU GET INTO TROUBLE YOU CAN’T GET OUT OF!”

  “STAY BACK, STUPENDOUS!” Professor Mayhem said. “IT APPEARS YOU’RE AS FORMIDABLE AS YOUR REPUTATION WOULD HAVE IT! WELL DONE!”

  “RELEASE THE GIRL, PROFESSOR!”

  “AS YOU WISH, MON CAPITAINE! YOU’VE WON THIS ROUND, BUT I’M NOT DONE HERE.”

  The robot raised its hand up to head level, and only an idiot wouldn’t be able to predict what it would do next.

  “Uh-oh,” I said.

  “WHAT’S IT DOING?” Scott yelled.

  “CATCH!” Professor Mayhem roared, and the robot pulled its arm back and whipped it in a blurry-fast arc, throwing Polly across the sky like a human cannonball.

  Stupendous took off so fast there was a real live sonic BOOM, then he was gone, headed up over the rooftops and after Polly. The robot turned and accelerated off in the opposite direction, and pretty soon it was out of sight too.

  After a few seconds of looking at the sky, everyone started looking at each other. Max’s mouth was open—I could actually see his tongue. The corners of George’s mouth were pulled down so far he looked like a cartoon fish.

  Everyone was talking and milling around in the street by then. Scott jumped onto another car.

  “Aw, man, can somebody make him quit it?” I said.

  “OFFICIAL CAPTAIN STUPENDOUS FAN CLUB!” Scott yelled.

  “BWARH!” the Officials roared, more or less.

  “BACK TO HEADQUARTERS! LET’S FIND A TV!”

  “GRRWWWWAAAGGGHH!” the Officials yelled back, and they all took off running, weaving around cars and hooting like a giant monkey herd. Or whatever the word is for a bunch of monkeys.

  “Dude, the new villain tried to kill your girlfriend,” Max said. “That w
as mind-blowing!”

  “Stupendous’ll catch her,” I said, totally confident. “I think—”

  “Out of the way, chumps!” Scott ran right into my shoulder, knocking me into George. Max grabbed George as he tipped over sideways, which kept me on my feet too.

  “Hey!” I said. Scott stopped and actually looked right past us, as if somebody right behind us had said “hey!” instead of me. Then he focused on me.

  “Watch out, freak show.” He smiled really wide when he said it, which made him look like a freaking kid movie star.

  “Knock it off,” Max said. He stepped in front of me and George.

  “Or what, beef jerky? You gonna start something?”

  “Come on, Scott!” some OTHER annoying kid yelled from down the street.

  Scott the Annoying Kid flashed another cheesy smile at Max, who just stared back silently. I was about an inch and a half from the back of his neck, though, and I saw it turning red.

  “Later, geeks.” Scott ran off toward his idiot buddies, but not too fast—he went loping off like he wasn’t in any big hurry, or running away from anyone like us.

  “Move it!” Ow! Another kid slammed into me as he ran by. He was wearing an Official T-shirt, of course, but he didn’t stick around and talk smack like Annoying Scott.

  “I swear, those guys have no respect,” George said.

  “You got that right.” I rubbed my shoulder. “Jerks. So what about heading back into Spud’s and seeing if the news has anything to report?”

  “Or we could go to your house,” Max said. He looked at George, who shrugged and looked at me.

  “Uh, okay. I kind of wanted another slice….”

  “Nah, let’s just go.” Max smacked his hands together.